Duality of Pieces - Shards of Duality by Angelina Castellini in 2024
These two mosaics caught my eye as functional and creative descriptions of how we might deal with brokenness and healing: a binary of defect vs respect.
As an improvisation coach and trainer, I tend to prefer the mosaic approach over the labelling one when working with clients. Yet, as I placed these images side-by-side, I noticed that there is so much more to this than the duality of replace vs reuse.
tearing and mending
Since putting down my work while going through extensive periods of burn-out and more recently chronic physical disability, I care deeply for the language, metaphors and approaches we use to address these kinds of experiences.
Brokenness and wholeness are two terms which get used a lot these days: broken systems, holistic healers... engage with the daily news cycle and the whole world seems to be at a multiplicity of breaking points.
When placed on a scale, the nouns 'broken' and 'whole' appear to be at opposing ends. When something is broken it is not whole and vice versa. As verbs, they might even appear to be hierarchical as we favour processes of healing over breaking.
I've been very focused on my healing process for a decade now. For much of this time, I've described myself as broken in some way, physically, mentally and spiritually. This was exacerbated by some doctors who treated me as someone in need of 'fixing' to be able to function again in society. My belief was: "If I need so much 'healing', I must be very broken," thus entering into a viscous cycle of destructive (self)denigration. Throughout the past decade, I have met countless people who have been treated as or view themselves as ready to be discarded, and who are struggling to meet the demands of holding themselves together within relentless functionality-based systems.
Luckily, I've also met practitioners and people who see me as a whole person, going through a distressing period of creative growth. And I am grateful that work is being done that helps me heal the damage created by a functionality-based healthcare system.
The two images above could be a metaphor for these two approaches to working with people with a plea for the creative mosaic reintegration approach - much is already being written along these lines and I'll put some reading recommendations at the bottom of this article - however, I wish to take this article in a somewhat different direction.
cutting and sticking
The pain of falling to pieces has led me to relentlessly strive for wholeness in myself, my work, and the world I live in. A concept which helped me make sense of this task and motivated me to continue with purpose is Kintsugi, a Japanese art of mending broken items with golden, silver or platinum seams to highlight the imperfection of their scars.
an image I strongly resonate with (artist unknown)
Kintsugi has become a popular metaphor in healing circles. You may have heard of it before. You may have also seen similar images to the two I have used above, accompanied by inspiring words on how to heal creatively. If you've been to one of my impro studio workshops, you may have even joined me in practicing collaging. I love and teach collaging! We take pieces from magazines, coloured paper and whatever materials may be available at the time and arrange them to create a whole new artwork.
By going through processes like Kintsugi, making collages or mosaics, we might learn that it is possible to make something beautiful out of shards, that we can reuse everything and that there are opportunities for healing, beauty and joy hidden in plain sight. I take great care to help my course participants discover that their natural senses of creativity has been blocked rather than broken.
Psychological Alchemy by Angelina Castellini in 2024
Which brings me back to the moments when I took these two photos at the boarding and alighting stations of my train journey. At first I felt angry at the defect label, reducing the varied pattern of the cracks of the window - which is still standing upright - to the function of being transparent and in one piece. Sadness arose in me with the thought of replacing this patterned panel - that I find delightful - with a new clear pane of glass. I took the first photo and boarded the train.
Upon arriving at my home train station, I was greeted by the mosaic mural which always brings a smile to my face. Every time I walk through this tunnel, something sticks out at me. This time, it was the word 'respect' and I thought to myself: "If only that window's shards were treated with the same respect as these shards have: reintegrated creatively."
Duality of Pieces - Shards of Duality by Angelina Castellini in 2024
decaying and growing
After posting the pictures on my Social Media with the title "duality in pieces - shards of duality," I noticed a bias which I have been carrying with me for a long time now: that perceiving this broken window as defect and labelling it as in need of replacement is of lesser creative value than turning the pieces into a mosaic artwork. Looking at these photos, my desire for wholeness coalesced with my pain of brokenness; tired of trying to fix myself, others and society to avoid falling through the cracks; angry at all the disrespect that is afforded towards that which is not and those who are not meeting the marketable requirements of wholeness.
Kintsugi and collaging have become my sanctioned ways of dealing with brokenness and (re)turning into wholeness. It's so much easier to accept the loss of breaking apart when I know that I can fuse into a new whole again and tell a good story about it later. Yet, all these approaches of replacing, fixing, filling of gaps and rearranging of materials favour the whole over the broken.
For the survival of our organism, healing = good; breaking = bad. Our bodies, however, replace defunct cells all day long. We don't turn absolutely everything into a new collage of extra bulges, golden arteries, and new patterns of DNA. For some wounds to heal, some materials are best removed while scripts are followed and information gets copied accurately so our organism can continue living. We are all ships of Theseus. As is the universe.
Decay by Angelina Castellini in 2024
We exist in a constant churning of growth and decay. We go through seasonal cycles and to preserve (heal) our own lives we consume (break) the lives of others. Our growth is facilitated by breakdown. As we feed on omelettes made from broken eggs (or tofu made from crushed soy beans), and as other organisms break down our bones and ashes, we all partake in the great recycling of the compost heap, whether we like it or not.
Within the great scale of the universe we are mere shards, miniscule parts of a much-much-much bigger living cosmic collage. We might perceive ourselves as a whole world unto ourselves - we are all made up of much-much-much smaller organisms, bits and pieces - but in the grand scheme of things, we experience only fleeting moments of wholeness. At different levels, we are simultaneously broken and whole, and neither broken nor whole. Zooming in and out of these fractals, there exists only the eternal movement of change, an improvised dance of broken ∞ whole.
destroying and creating
We heal at our wounds. For healing to happen, something must first be broken. But when it is too broken, it will no longer be able to heal and must be discarded.
Turning my gaze now towards the relentless destruction of our natural habitats and biosphere, human and non-human selves, I see the greed of wanting the whole pie and the willingness to destroy it all in this pursuit. I see unchecked tearing apart of social-ecological tapestries and immense amounts of suffering through breaking apart in many contexts.
When the natural wisdom of perceiving ourselves as mere parts of a whole universe that devours itself through continuous creative alchemy, is interpreted as a nihilistic death drive with a carte blanche to overproduce, overconsume and overdispose, we might just become the version of the dinosaurs that ordered the meteor to be delivered to their own doorstep.
By rejecting our own brokenness and focusing on a personal level of healing, we are missing a vital part of the puzzle: we cannot become whole on our own. Healing cracks means changing the relationship that the broken parts have with each other. As parts of this world, we need communal practices of engaging in the cyclical creativity of life. And we may also need to change our relationship to words like breaking and healing.
All that said, I hunker to experience what it might be like to break into wholeness before we will inevitably wholly break apart.
Where the Wisdom Comes From by Angelina Castellini in 2024
I wish to express my gratitude to my partner, family, ancestors, friends, students, teachers and all those who have been teaching me indirectly, through their own published works, and through sustaining my life as part of the ecology I live within.
Recommendations
impro studio website: https://www.improstudio.org/
impro studio LinkedIn page: https://www.linkedin.com/company/improstudioorg
FREE impro studio People Need People event: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/people-need-people-9-oct-tickets-1004423877857
This list may be updated as other recommendations come to me.
Articles
Nora Bateson - Tearing and Mending: https://norabateson.medium.com/tearing-and-mending-e543abf29248
Unpsychology Magazine edited by Steve Thorp, Julia Macintosh, Lesley McLean: https://www.unpsychology.org/
Books
Nora Bateson - Combining: https://www.triarchypress.net/combining.html
Shunryo Suzuki - Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/402843.Zen_Mind_Beginner_s_Mind
Stephen Nachmanovitch - The Art of Is: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43164585-the-art-of-is
Film
Crazywise: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJ4MyZj6TA4
Music
Aretha Franklin - Respect: https://youtu.be/A134hShx_gw?si=XGorzuenS8bH57WR
Black Flag - Fix Me: https://youtu.be/Ge9TXz3x6OM?si=rAFQTudPOpkl-is3
Leonard Cohen - Anthem: https://youtu.be/6wRYjtvIYK0?si=BdV3T5-Ki6Ndwh32
The Rolling Stones - Shattered: https://youtu.be/Wjz6l_4MqHM?si=eavfsXe-O2dp93tz
Podcast
The Emerald: https://www.themythicbody.com/podcast/
This post is so replete with wisdom that I am just staying here, immersing itself in its nuances. Every word here finds resonance. "Every time I walk through this tunnel, something sticks out at me. This time, it was the word 'respect' and I thought to myself: "If only that window's shards were treated with the same respect as these shards have: reintegrated creatively." - this is the core of the post. Blessings on the healing work you do. I am so grateful I discovered you on Bhavana's post - Mayalakshmi